Week Six: Holy Tantrum Batman!

How, may I ask, was I able to sound so smug and chipper last week about the whole "parenting two children" thing? Because this week Emily threw a tantrum of epic proportions, and she's almost five!

Will was asleep and I take a second to straighten the towel cabinet, so I don't know, we might be able to actually find a towel instead of using our beach towels for bathing. I'm sitting on Emily's step stool on the floor of the bathroom and Emily unsuspectingly walks by. I had just noticed how disgusting her nails had become, caked with dirt and sand from playing and how desperately they needed trimming. So I call her in the bathroom and proceed to trim one hand with no problem. I get to her thumb on her second hand and she starts howling about how I'm going to hurt her. Okay, now I have on occasion trimmed a little too close (probably to aviod more frequent trimmings), so that's where her concern comes from, but this time it was going great, and in my defense, I haven't even nicked her recently. The howling tuns into a full tantrum as I try to pin her down to get that nail, and I send her to her room. The screaming continues about how she doesn't want to be in her room, so I start to lose it as well and say "Fine, then you can stand in the corner!". As you can imagine, only amplifies the tantrum and I find myself phisically holding her up in the corner repeating "Your time out starts when you stop screaming" (she doesn't want to stand because her legs hurt).

Fast forward a half hour later. The tantrum is finally over. She's had her four minute time out. We're sitting at the top of the stairs discussing why mommy was so upset with her. Emily has returned to some semblance of a happy kid, and then she poses this question, "Do you like my baby brother better than me?".

Oh *&%$.

My mind flashes through a montage of me nursing will, us leaving the park when Will gets fussy, Will staying up later than Emily, Will being held constantly, me telling Emily not to wake the baby... you get the idea.

I quickly reassure her with every cliche in the book - I love you both exactly the same, I'll always love you no matter what you do, I always love you, but I don't love how you were acting. Again, you get the idea. We've really tried to pay a lot of attention to Emily in the last few weeks, we usually do an activity together, just the two of us everyday. But I really can't help the fact that Will is a newborn and does need a lot of attention, especially from me.

So what am I to do? Emily seems to have put the whole episode behind her, as only four year olds can do. Meanwhile I'm feeling pretty guilty, not only about how she thought we liked Will better than her, but also about how I handled that whole situation.

A friend loaned me a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution, in which the author talks about why the "cry-it-out" method for "teaching" babies to sleep is, well, just plain mean. She asks, what it teaches our children about care and trust, that no matter how long you cry, I won't comfort you? As I was reading this, I had an Aha! moment. With all my focus on comforting and soothing Will, I've overlooked the fact that this other kid, this baby sometimes needs to be comforted and reassured as well. Even though she rolls her eyes and talks back, and acts like such a big, big kid out there on the playground with her friends, the world is still a scary place. She needs to know that she can trust us to guide her through it.

Sure sometimes a tantrum is a tantrum, and sometimes she can be quite difficult, and she does need to know what her limits are, what is acceptable behavior. But just as much, as both kids of these kids grow into adults, they need to know that they can trust us to comfort them and love them no matter what they do. I guess there's a reason it's a cliche.

Week Five: I'm a Real Boy!

Will is a month old! I can't believe how quickly the first month went by, and he's now turning into a real baby. No schedule in sight, although he does tend to take a lengthy morning nap and a long one in the evening when Emily goes to bed. He also seems to sleep better at night, meaning that he generally falls back asleep after nursing a bit, and he usually does this by snuggling with my, um, boob. This morning Ian woke up, looked at Will, and said "I think this kid needs a teddy bear". It's kind of cute, but really, would you cuddle up with your cheeseburger? And after my role as Emily's comfort object during her infancy, I wouldn't mind him being attached to something else (After all, my breasts can't very well accompany him to preschool and hang out in his cubby). And while he doesn't cry much at night, he is actually quite noisy, so none of us are getting a lot of sleep. He grunts, squeaks, snores, and of course growls while he's nursing (a viking already, no?). Will is really starting to interact more and be much more alert during the day. He likes Ian to hold him upright in his lap - it makes him feel like a real person I think. He seems to be pretty frusterated at being so small - Ian is convinced that Will is trying to roll over already, and he certainly does seem much less content to just be than Emily, but then again she was also unhappy for various other reasons.

I got an early birthday present from Will this week - his first smile! On Wendsday I was holding him in the chair downstairs after one of his many prolonged breastfeeding sessions, talking to him, and he looked me right in the eyes and gave a big goofy grin. He's repeated this trick a few times since then, but everytime it's priceless. He's still so serious most of the time, I can't wait for him to really start giving the big happy grins.

In other news, well it's not really news I guess (it's getting pretty old, actually), I'm still vomiting once a week. After trying everything including blaming it on pregnancy, hormones, stomach acid, eliminating dairy from my diet, it's only getting worse. I guess I should listen to everyone around me, telling me I need to seek real medical help, rather than just seeing my OB, before it gets worse. The truth is that I have a bit of a phobia of the doctor (as those of you that have read my pregnancy journal are well aware). Faced with a very real medical problem, I'm torn between ignoring the symptoms and suffering in silence and finding out that it's something really bad. Again, it's the whole loss-of-control thing. Ian reminded me of what happened last summer when I ignored an ear infection until I was in so much pain I could do nothing but cry. The result? A very expensive trip to the emergency room (and my ear was plugged up for the better part of last summer).

I got a new laptop this week, a graduation present from my mom, which means I've been playing World of Warcraft with Ian. It's nice that we can do it together, and we are quite a team - but the a thought crossed my mind while I was trying to juggle breastfeeding Will and getting to level 10 - I'm such a dork. I was addicted to the Sims when Emily was an infantl, so I should watch out, it's not like I have that much down time (So on one hand I feel like, hey I deserve this!). Needless to say I got nothing done this weekend.

In all, the first month has been better than I had imagined, and as Will turns into his own little person, I'm really enjoying being a mother of two (most times, anyway).

Week Four: Sitting on the Curb

Sara and Cameron visited this weekend. It was really great to see them in Pullman again, and to see how much their son, Evan, has grown! He's almost nine months old now, and to think that he was Will's size just nine months ago and now he's this huge, smiling, laughing baby. Of course Will himself was probably about the size of a grain of rice at that point, so I suppose he's come a long way as well.

They moved away aout a year ago - and have told us to never leave - there's no better place than Pullman. Now that they've returned as non-students, I think they've realized that you can't ever really go back, not to the way things were as you remember them. I love Pullman, it's a small college town, so there's lots to do, it's unique, and it's got this great college atomosphere. But... well, once you've graduated, the college kids just seem so young, you begin to really enjoy summer, when the town isn't crowded, and you realize that eighteen was just a really long time ago. So, while if I had to live in Pullman for the rest of my life, I'd be pretty happy, it is a wonderful place to raise children, we're still quite looking foward to moving on at this point. Where we'll end up? That is another story.

I took both kids to the farmers market on Saturday morning. This is one of Emily's very favorite things to do, she loves the music, the people, and I've even established a tradition of trying a new food every time we go. This time the new and exotic food was ... fruit kabab. Bannanas, Strawberries, and mangos on a stick - hey, at least I tried. But I love the farmers market. There's this really cool, organic energy there - buckets overflowing with green beans and peas, the smell of barbecue, fresh cut flowers, people walking out with their dogs, parents proudly toting around their little ones, and the kids. Now, I usually don't like other people's kids, especially in public, but at the farmer's market, they're all just new little people, absorbing all the sights and sounds, dancing to the music, fruit juice dripping down their chins, squealing with delight as they chase each other around on the toys. They're all just the embodiement of life, what it should be, I suppose. Emily is no different, which is why I like to take her. I sat on the curb with her and watched the band play, her little body wiggling along with the music, feeling the warmth of Will snoozing away in the sling across my chest.

It's those moments I hope my kids remember when they're older. I hope that the nagging, the yelling, the time outs all fade away, and what they're left with is a perfect Saturday morning, sitting on the curb.

Week Three: As Good as It Gets

On Saturday it was a perfect 70 degrees, so we packed everyone up and went on a picnic at one of the city parks. It was great to get out of the house together, sitting in the grass and watching Emily run around the playground while Will gazed up at the tree leaves in the sunshine.

I know that I had ventured out of the house more often at this point with Emily, but it's a lot different with two kids in tow. With Will, if I know we're going somewhere I spend about an hour before the departure time filling him up, then hope that he doesn't decide to get hungry again while we're out. So far, it's gone fairly well. I think on some level Will understands that the smorgesbord doesn't need to continue out of the house, but when we're home... forget it, he'd spend all day latched on, if it were up to him, that is. On the rare occasions that he's not nursing, I'll give him to Ian, and not ten minutes later I hear "Uh, I think he's still hungry", as Will's little head cranes around with his mouth open, searching for a nipple.

I did get to visit with my friends Pip and Meghan this week, which was a welcome break from the tedium of nursing, and made me feel like my old (pre-pregnant) self again, it's been a while since I enjoyed a latte, and even though I had to have it with soy (another story for another day), it was still delicious. Emily also enjoyed the opportunity to spend a few hours out of the house, taking a break from her over-tired, boring old mother, basking in the attention of Pip's fiance as they built towers out of dominos. It also made me realize how isolated my life has become. Beyond various interactions with store clerks and the Fed-Ex guy, my only company for the past two weeks has been with Ian, Emily, and Will. Not that I really mind too much. Ian is only one of my very favorite people, and when I'm not being irritated and downright bitchy, Emily is truly the best company in the world, and we really do have fun time as a family.

It's amazing, this change from a family of three to a family of four. So quickly Will has become one of us with a quirky personality all his own. We laugh at his strangely loud noises when he's nursing, and Ian is already making up new lyrics to songs (one of his more hilarious talents) and funny phrases about Will ("You need milking, and I'm the man to do it"). Will's name is also one of those that just begs for nicknames. Willis, Wilbur, and Sir William are just a few. I tend to call him Mister, because he's just such a little Mister with his serious face.

Some people say that having two kids is more than twice the work, but so far, it's been far less than twice the work (knock on wood). Perhaps I'm just so enjoying not being pregnant and finishing my last semester of undergraduate school at the same time. And maybe this is still the honeymoon, but (and maybe this is the hormones talking) I am just so in love with our little family, and I'm so glad that Will has found his place with us. This is as good as it gets.